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They leer you in with their show biz, the lights, the colours, the flashes, the money. Generally tucked away into a hole in the wall type enclave inside your favourite bars and nightclubs, the pokies, irrespective of location,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], always have a way of being found.
The holy poke can change your night, ruin remnants of your shrapnel or just simply leech you till you're lifeless, bottomless and hopeless. Think about it, if you have a lazy dollar to spare why not give it a poke – just do it, what's the harm – you never know it could just buy you that next round of drinks at the bar, shout a few cocktails, charm the bartender – who knows, just go for it. The pay off, the lights flashing till you can't blink, a rush greater than any coffee hit, the tension, the drinks at the end
of the tunnel.
But think about it, there's nothing worse than seeing someone at a bar or nightclub thrashing the nerves at the end of their index finger for a measly return. The shame, the shame.
The pokies are a part of the Australian human condition. Their in-built within our collective unconscious, nailed to our subconscious – they're strangely sexy little robotic machines omnipresent within bars and nightclubs everywhere. What's more is that their pulse beats to the tune of money, so what's not to love? What makes a good pokies player, makes a good obsessive, gambling addicted, nerve wracked, mild adrenaline junkie man…
So here's a few pointers some to consider others to ignore from one such consummate lover of a little lonely poke…
1) Like With The Opposite Sex, Always Bat Above Your Average…
Be trigger happy, take risks, gamble baby – red / black, suites – go for it. Work with what you've got, but the more credits you have (within reason of course GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY) the better your odds are for a return. Combine this gung ho attitude with a 50 cent or dollar bets at a time and you will maximise your return every time. Watch those features clink into place and voila – your very own little goldmine to spend on drinks and cocktails at the bar.
2) Don't Fool Yourself — The Machine Is Smarter Then You
If you think you have a system that can outplay the machine, then you're kidding yourself buddy. Think about it, it's not a chess machine and you're not a grandmaster – so play within yourself and don't go chasing shadows that you can beat the big man. You can't its plain and simple. You can't count its numbers (as there are no cards to count); you can't guess it's formula's (it's algorithms will shit on anything you can conquer) and basically you are feeding him not the other way around. So let the machine play the machine and you the human and maybe one day you will outlast the machine. Just not before your next pay check.
3) Have a budget and stick to it (more or less)
Pay check's pay for big nights at bars and nightclubs, presents, goodies, movies, appetizers, all of the above for the opposite sex — NOT FOR GAMBLING. Mortgage's are pretty important, the ins and outs of your life should be deemed more sacrificial than a few punts on a buzzing, musically uninspired piece of scrap metal. To play the devil's advocate when gambling is at stake is like beating your head on repeat with a mallet. It won't get through,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it won't stick, it won't sway — it will always remain the same. You will never change. Have a budget and stick to it. Don't let your greasy fingers slide out of control and never beg for forgiveness because you'll never get any. Not from me, not from the MAN, not from the taxman or the bank man. Have a budget and stick to it and then spend your remainder or winnings on the bar and flirt flirt flirt your new found discipline.
4) It's Not Skill That Got You That Feature,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], It Was Your Index Finger
Remember that you are not blessed with awesome ninja skills if you won some money. It may never happy again, you may have crossed a black cat on the way to the bar or nightclub. You may not of seen her lurking in the gutters but she was there warding off your luck inside the gambling room. In one swift stare she scared off all the luck you would have ever received from the machine. It will have crept back into its subterranean den and chuckled to herself as your eyes light up with the promise of dollar bills but as the money pours in, your luck pours out of it in leaps and bounds and your lit up eyes and smile dissipate slowly and slowly as you miserably slink back to the bar at the nightclub and attempt a stare but all you can see are reflections of your own shame.
In close, bars and nightclubs are for gambling on the opportunity to sleep with someone of the opposite sex. Nights out are about gambling on your next pick up line and flirt not to gamble on fool's gold at the hands of a creepy neon machine that advertises false hopes and dreams.